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TheMadGamer
High Emperor
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 487
Location: Southern California |
| An Excerpt From Daddy's Baby Journal |
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15 Months And Counting
Christopher, the fifteen month old toddler to which I am now forced to provide moderate-quality parenting care, continues to expand his horizons.
For example, it was just the other day that he hadn’t a clue about his own preferences. If wifey was going to feed him apricot yogurt, but he really wanted strawberry, he wouldn’t know the difference. Or at the very least, his puny pre-toddler little brain was unable to communicate such preferences, not even with screaming.
How has he expanded his horizons, you ask? We’re pretty sure we’ve entered a new stage as we now witness the self-face-slapping, side to side arm wafting, and body-back-flinging, all of which are accompanied by screams and wails, whenever we try to feed him something he doesn’t want. In fact, this pretty much happens now whenever we put him in any kind of situation where he’d rather be doing something different.
But this is all adorable. Because our child is the cutest child alive. Even cuter than yours! Wifey and I are so lucky! Most of the other parents at the park have ugly kids.
What is a toddler?
Those of you who do not own your own little goblin may be wondering, ‘what is a toddler?’ According to most of the liberal hippie parenting books my wife has managed to amass, a baby becomes a toddler when they begin walking.
My personal definition however, is that a baby becomes a toddler when their newfound mobility peaks to a series of suicidal tendencies. For example, it was just a few months ago when I would put my baby Christopher on the floor with a few toys to play with, and happily walk away and make myself lunch or go to the movies. He was basically trapped there as he could not move himself yet. And as long as I didn’t leave box-cutters or scissors nearby, he was reasonably safe.
When a baby becomes a toddler, one suddenly finds themselves forced to face certain realities. Namely, that one’s situation goes from ‘difficult’ denial to ‘impossible’ denial that one now, in fact, has a child. And this is quite an emotional displacement for me, as denial has been the default reaction most of my life. This was especially true during my adolescence, when my moronic behavior led to undesirable consequences, I simply just pretended it wasn’t happening. Facing these realities without the comfort of denial is very inconvenient, as it forces me to periodically do actual parenting.
So now that Christopher’s a toddler, he pretty much scoots around, as if with a built in homing system, bee-lining it to the most dangerous places in the house. He wants to stick his tongue in the electrical outlets. So now we have those electrical outlet covers in all of our unused outlets. He wants to step off the first step at the top of our stairs without any regard to his physical coordination or gravity. So now we have baby gates scattered throughout the house. Our plastic Tupperware is of no interest. But the highly breakable ceramic bowls are! And he knows just which cupboards to open. So now we have those door latches on most of our cupboards.
But toddler’s are incredibly smart or considerably stupid depending on one’s perspective. For example, if the goal is to expeditiously kill one’s self in the most gruesome of manners, then toddler’s are brilliant! However, if the goal is something other than that, then toddler’s are amazingly stupid, despite the rhetoric of liberal hippie parenting books.
And if it later turns out that death was in fact the goal at this stage of his development, I will consider all of my interventions a huge inconvenience. While I could have been playing with my Nintendo, I was instead duped into providing moderate parenting care for no reason at all. And according to our stockpile of parenting books, I will have failed miserably as a parent for not making my child’s dreams and aspirations a reality.
If only we could understand what is going on in the tiny toddler brain, I would know right now if I should just go ahead and let him stick his head in the toilet or rescue him and bring him to the safety of my lap, the couch, and the T.V.
Being a parent forced to face these and other inescapable child rearing realities is fraught with anxiety. And with all the baby life-saving gear in our house, I anguish over two things. First, if you were born in the 60s or 70s like I was, consider yourself lucky. You should be dead. Second, all this baby safety crap is really eating into my computer game buying addiction. This pisses me off. Especially if he really just wants to be dead and I don’t know it yet.
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The Poster Previously Known As NeptiOfPovar |
Wed Dec 24, 2003 6:28 pm |
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Korplem
Swashbuckler
Joined: 23 Dec 2002
Posts: 853
Location: Pearl Harbor, HI |
Are you the one who wrote this?
If you are the parent then: Congratulations(Depending on the view)!
He sounds like a handful  .
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If soot stains your tunic, dye it black. This is vengeance.
-The Prince of Nothing |
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Wed Dec 24, 2003 6:58 pm |
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TheMadGamer
High Emperor
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 487
Location: Southern California |
Yes, I'm the guilty one who wrote this. I have 15 months of diary I'm keeping for my little monster. Decided to share this entry as friends and family all had a good laugh from it.
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The Poster Previously Known As NeptiOfPovar |
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Wed Dec 24, 2003 7:07 pm |
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Val
Risen From Ashes
Joined: 18 Feb 2002
Posts: 14724
Location: Utah, USA |
Cute. 
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Freeeeeeedom! Thank heavens it's summer!
What do I have to show for my hard work? A piece of paper! Wee!
=Guardian, Moderator, UltimaDot Newshound=  |
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Wed Dec 24, 2003 9:40 pm |
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Cm
Sentinel of Light
Joined: 26 Jan 2003
Posts: 5209
Location: Missouri USA |
There isn't a parent in the world who couldn't put themselfs into that story. There is no real parenting going on at this stage. You are under attack and your objective is to keep your attacker alive long enough to have another birthday. Have fun and have a wonderful holiday with him. They love to eat trees and ornaments you know. 
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=Member of the Nonflamers Guild=
=Member of Worshippers of the Written Word=
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain
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Thu Dec 25, 2003 12:44 am |
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dteowner
Shoegazer
Joined: 21 Mar 2002
Posts: 7570
Location: Third Hero of Erathia |
Sounds to me like you're just about ready for another one.
Very well written, and totally truthful. I expect your resident hellspawn (I have 3 hellspawn of my own, so no offense is intended) will not fully appreciate your journal until he's doing the 3am feeding himself, but it will be an absolute treasure then.
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=Proud Member of the Non-Flamers Guild=
=Benevolent Dictator, X2/X3 and Morrowind/Oblivion Forums=
Sorry. No pearls of wisdom in this oyster.
RIP Red Wings How 'Bout Dem Cowboys! |
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Thu Dec 25, 2003 3:12 pm |
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Secret Agent Lawanda
The last thing you see...
Joined: 23 Oct 2003
Posts: 1041
Location: World of Darkness (LA) |
LOL! Nice.
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-=Professional Secret Agent=-
Moderator of The Anime and Manga Fan Club |
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Tue Jan 06, 2004 7:40 pm |
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balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Alien Dwarf
Joined: 26 Dec 2003
Posts: 705
Location: Greece/Athens or *BrOtHeRhOoD* |
I can hardly figure out the relationship between a "parent journal" and a "Games Forum".Ecxept if this is a spoiler-thread for the rest of us.I mean what we have to encounter when and if we ever become parents.I didnt want to read that spoiler.Now you scared me off  .At least you could alarm us for the nature of this thread.Anyway 
So my suggestion is this take a good look to my black lettrs signature and dont forget to spent as many hours with that little "monster" you got there cause happines has an ending but you can postponed it with some parent-baby hours.
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 I come from space.From outer space! |
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Tue Jan 06, 2004 8:08 pm |
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Val
Risen From Ashes
Joined: 18 Feb 2002
Posts: 14724
Location: Utah, USA |
That's why this post is in AOT.
_________________
Freeeeeeedom! Thank heavens it's summer!
What do I have to show for my hard work? A piece of paper! Wee!
=Guardian, Moderator, UltimaDot Newshound= |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 2:43 am |
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TheMadGamer
High Emperor
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 487
Location: Southern California |
Hmm. Well as Val pointed out, I thought I did right by putting it in the AOT forum. Then, I titled it 'Excerpts from Daddy's Baby Journal' which I assumed would give one an idea of the subject.
Dunno why there's so much confusion.
I got more stuff. Perhaps I'll add chaos to confusion next!
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The Poster Previously Known As NeptiOfPovar |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 5:00 am |
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cfmdobbie
High Emperor
Joined: 01 Jul 2002
Posts: 1859
Location: London, England |
Maybe you should have added: Note: "Daddy's Baby Journal" is not a new NWN expansion?
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Charlie Dobbie
=Member of The Nonflamers' Guild=
=Moderator of the Morrowind/Oblivion Forums= |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 4:13 pm |
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TheMadGamer
High Emperor
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 487
Location: Southern California |
| How Many Characters can fit in the subject line? |
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quote:
Originally posted by cfmdobbie
Maybe you should have added: Note: "Daddy's Baby Journal" is not a new NWN expansion?
But if I do that, I'd also have to list every other possible game so as to avoid confusion that my post is not about any of those games too.
How many characters can fit in the subject line?
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The Poster Previously Known As NeptiOfPovar |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 6:12 pm |
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balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Alien Dwarf
Joined: 26 Dec 2003
Posts: 705
Location: Greece/Athens or *BrOtHeRhOoD* |
Why?Are you thinking of posting the rest of the "parents journal"??? 
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I come from space.From outer space! |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 6:19 pm |
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Jaz
Late Night Spook
Joined: 20 Jan 2002
Posts: 9708
Location: RPGDot |
| Re: How Many Characters can fit in the subject line? |
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quote:
Originally posted by Neptiofpovar
How many characters can fit in the subject line?
Not enough, that's for sure.
The topic is in the correct forum, as has already been pointed out... and you're a gifted writer  . |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 7:05 pm |
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TheMadGamer
High Emperor
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 487
Location: Southern California |
quote:
Originally posted by balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Why?Are you thinking of posting the rest of the "parents journal"???
I'd post more... but now I'm afraid of confusing people... hehe
Actually, I have kept a monthly journal ever since he was born. But I have to sorta clean it up before I post it here... but if you people are up for some more punishment, I'll post more.
Jaz - thanks for the compliments! 
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The Poster Previously Known As NeptiOfPovar |
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Wed Jan 07, 2004 7:26 pm |
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