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| Do you have a functional family? |
| Yes, I love my family |
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27% |
[ 5 ] |
| Yes, we argue sometimes but we usually get along |
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50% |
[ 9 ] |
| No, but I know people who have a happy family life |
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16% |
[ 3 ] |
| No, I dream of never seeing any of them ever again |
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5% |
[ 1 ] |
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| Total Votes : 18 |
Bilbo
High Emperor
Joined: 12 Mar 2002
Posts: 1620
Location: New York |
I've decided every single family is screwed up in some way. My mother is an overbearing control freak. My father, who was divorced from my mom when I was about 14 months old, is literally going senile, and of course it's falling on me to take care of him - but to hear his side of the family talk I'm of course doing everything wrong (not that they're doing anything at all!). My wife and I seem to be fighting more and more. My wife's family, who seem perfectly normal on the outside, has their own issues which an outsider would never know about, and which I don't fully understand.
Let me preface the next paragraph by saying I am a very laid back person. But every person has their breaking point where they just boil over.
On the subject of arguments, my wife and I argue about arguing. I'm used to yelling and screaming as an acceptable method of family arguing (it's the way I grew up), and when it's over it's over. My wife can't stand yelling. And yet, when I tell her she's raising her voice at me, she always denies it.... Go figure. My feeling is that it's OK if an argument doesn't resolve something, as people will not always agree, and it's OK to agree to disagree. My wife always wants the argument "resolved", and agreeing to disagree is not resolving it.
3 or 4 hour arguments are not good things, IMO. I know that when an argument gets to long for me (1/2 hour maybe), I like to get myself out of the situation - walk out of the room, leave the house for a little bit, whatever. When I'm calm, then I'll try to discuss it again. My wife hates this and tries to stop me from doing it, saying it doesn't help resolve things. And maybe it doesn't, but at least it cools of the situation. And of course, her trying to stop me from leaving temporarily fuels more arguing....
@Suicidal Cockroach - You've talked about being depressed. I'm no expert, but you admitted your family has a lot of issues. Don't put the blame and the pressure on yourself for their problems. You can't deal with them. Just deal with your own as best you can, and get support from friends (since you feel you can't rely on your family) when you have a problem. Try to avoid writing off your family completely. (My brother & I speak about twice a year on our birthdays, and that's it. We had a huge fight years ago and don't want to deal with each other regularly. But at least we're not cut off completely.) But definitely try to set limits as to the demands made upon you. If someone tells you something idiotic (like your sister telling you you're unfit to babysit and then complaining you don't do it), tell them (nicely!) that they're an idiot, point out the contradiction, and try to find out what they really mean.
Enough ranting. Every family is screwed up in some way, whether it's obvious or not. But despite the screwups, many families (not all) can function together to co-exist happily.
_________________
The world itself shifts and changes and fades to mist like the strings of a minstrel's harp, and mayhap the dreams we forge are more enduring than the works of kings and gods.-Robert E. Howard
=Member of the RPGDot Shadows, The Nonflamers' Guild, and The Alliance of Middle Earth= |
Tue Jul 09, 2002 12:56 pm |
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mDrop
High Emperor
Joined: 06 May 2002
Posts: 479
Location: Under the desk |
Hmm. Some good discussion in this thread..
I think my family is pretty functional, atleast for most parts. Sure we argue, sometimes a lot and I don't agree with my parents on many things. When I was younger and still lived at my parent's house, we had a lot of clashes and fights, but they were always resolved in some way. Sometimes we agreed and sometimes we agreed to disagree. There are only a few issues that actually stayed to make our relationship more complex. I think a family that does not argue is seriously dysfunctional. You have to be able to discuss things and share opinions, even when they don't match and can cause disagreement or arguing. And every argument cannot be resolved, people are different and it's not good to alter your opinions just to agree in an argument.
Sure there are a lot of strage things and weird behaviour in my family too, my mom has been acting a bit loony for the past few years, but then again every member of our family is a bit eccentric in their own way. I have probably been the hardest member of this family, since I did my share of stupid things and mistakes when I was still living there. Now that I have my own apartment and live in a different city, things have changed. We don't argue much and generally come along real nice..
My parents' families are another thing, especially my mom's. They have some serious issues and it's sometimes been hard (and yet funny, in a disturbed way) to keep track on who's not talking to who and who's name you can mention in a coversation...
@Suicidal Cockroach, whoa. I feel your pain, man... Arguments can be resolved and it's not about the duration, it's about the attitude of the arguers. Apologies, thats a whole different thing. Me and my father never apologised eachother, we just somehow show that we are sorry for yelling. There's somekind of a connection between us that tells when we are sorry. That's caused some problems in my relationships, since I'm not used to apologising with words..
_________________
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw
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- Worshiper of Written Word -
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Tue Jul 09, 2002 2:59 pm |
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txiabxyooj
Fox Spirit
Joined: 06 Dec 2001
Posts: 971
Location: here, there & everywhere |
i think an important part of family life is bound up in disagreements. it teaches you how to deal & cope with the world at large when they don't agree with you. but, the unique thing about a family is that at the end of the day they are still your family. if you think about it your family is the only group of people that are always your family. friends come & go. but, your family is always part of your life--for good or for bad. i know in my home there are plenty of arguements. but, in the end we are still a family. sometimes we may be a family that gets along & other times this isn't the case. the point being that you are connected whether you like it or not. thsi can cause pain and difficulties, but that is just life. sometimes it isn't about who is right and wrong. you have to look at the bigger picture. is being right more important or is your father/mother/sister/brother?
@su, unfortunately there are families out there that just aren't functional. i don't know what they ought to do other than to keep on trying. if you give up no solution will be found. i think you are in a unique and difficult situation and i hope that you will be able to find a solution that will work for you. i think it is good that you realize that there is a problem. my family has had some difficult times but things seem to always work out in the long run. this might be after a lot of hurt feelings, but you just have to hang in there and do your best.
_________________
"The origin of things, if things have an origin, cannot be revealed to me, if revealed at all, until I have travelled very far from it, and many revolutions of the sun must precede my first dawn. The light as it appears hides the candle." --Santayana
=member of the worshippers of the written word=
=member of the Non-flamers' guild= |
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Tue Jul 09, 2002 4:31 pm |
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Mattias Kreku
Magister of the Light
Joined: 13 Jun 2002
Posts: 387
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My family consist of me, my sister and my parents + 2 grandparents. My parents divorced when I was eighteen so it didn't matter much to me cause I was already out of the house by then. My sister was a drug addict when she was younger but she turned herself around and she graduated med school last year (!). She is now a doctor. (she also moved as far away from our parents as is possible in my country and she keeps sending my father mean letters blaming him for lots of things, making him cry). My mom lives in a small, dying village and she just lost her job and she's yoyo-ing between being extremely happy because she's free and extremely worried because she thinks she's too old to get another job. My father is a weapon fanatic (I went there this weekend, actually. He let me try one of his latest cannons.. .45 rifle..) with a wife that's 20 years younger than him (about the same age as my older sister) and the love he never gave me and my sister he makes up for with his new kids that he has with his new wife. I've never seen kids with more toys than them. My grandmom calles me once a month and cries because my sister doesn't call her. My grandfather is an alcoholic, which he has been for the last 50 years.
Yet I consider us to be a happy family. I can always talk to my parents about anything and everything. Once a year I go to visit my sister where she lives and everytime we have a blast. Twice a year I visit my grandparents and I just love being there with them. I have a lot of great cousins that I spend time with and even my half-siblings are a lot of fun to play with (age 3 and 6). So I am not complaining! I voted for the "Yes, but we argue". Arguing is a part of every relationship. People who claim they never argue worry me. |
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Tue Jul 09, 2002 4:47 pm |
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Bach & Baroque
Village Leader
Joined: 02 Jul 2002
Posts: 86
Location: United States |
I think it's an error to assume that all families are "screwed up" in some way. Personally, I have a great family, and we're all very close. My parents are still together after many years of being married, I have five brothers and sisters to whom I am close. Granted, I'm not saying we don't have our quibbles on occasion (particularly between my younger sister and myself  ) but as a whole we function extremely well. In fact, I think having arguments and little trouble spots are healthy, as when they are resolved apologies and forgiving are usually in order, bringing the two closer together. My mom is incredibly intelligent and caring, and my dad, though strong and in control of things, perhaps the nicest guy I've ever known. Even in our modern society, and I feel my own family is evidence, that healthy and close families still exist. |
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Tue Jul 09, 2002 4:47 pm |
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Roach
SBR Belfry Bat
Joined: 20 Jan 2002
Posts: 3233
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Thank you for your posts, I would like to respond to some parts, but I told NoName I'd meet him on battlenet in ten minutes so for now I'll just give you this small update. I just sent my sister a very honest e-mail, and now I expect all hell to break loose. |
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 12:54 am |
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Northchild
Fearless Paladin
Joined: 03 May 2002
Posts: 232
Location: New York, USA |
quote:
I have great respect for Dad... partially due to the fact that I'm going to be in need of fast car in a couple years...
Do you mean "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman? I hear that they play that over and over again to loonies who've locked themselves up in compounds. After a day or two, it's all over. 
My parents were older when they had me, and my dad was significantly older than my mom. Mom was in her mid-40s, dad was in his mid-50s. I recently turned 27 and they're in their late 60s/early 80s.
I never knew my grandparents, they were all dead before I was born. I had half siblings from mom and dad's previous marriages, but never got along with them as they were so much older than I, plus they were basically white trash. They all had a lot of drama in their lives involving welfare, failed relationships etc. My half sister had seven children - none of whom she could support. I was essentially an only child.
In many ways, I got the better deal. In many ways, I didn't. Dad cheated on my mom quite a bit when I was very young, and my mom was always nervous and anious about too many things to list. Dad hated my mom's decision to stay where we lived, near her children whom he also hated. He often told me that someday I would wake up and he would be gone. There were a lot of other issues. They stayed together, I know not why. My parents never worked after I was 5 years old and were always home.
Their health problems started when I was in my early teens. My dad's lung cancer was discovered when I was around 12. He lived through the operation and recovery, but was never quite as vital. Someone set fire to the apartment building where I lived, (we were lucky to make it out), in the next year and mom and dad decided to get a house. Dad felt really trapped at this point and fights between them became constant background noise.
As an only child and somewhat awkward, I made few friends but was very close to the friends that I did have. On Christmas Eve when I was 16, my best friend killed himself. My mom had a heart attack and a stroke around a month later. I had been somewhat depressed before, but nothing like the six years after that. The "downward spiral" continued, having added a clinically depressed teenager to the mix. My parents started drinking more every night. Dad threatened mom and threatened to shoot himself with the guns in the basement. Screaming was normal. Police were called often. I tried to kill myself somewhere in that time and was admitted to the hospital for the first time shortly after my graduation from high school. I lived on the edge for a few years, having a nasty drug/alcohol habit which I managed to kick when I almost took out a couple in their car while driving. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, then schizophrenia as my emotional life broke down more and more. As it turns out, I had neither.
Despite the problems between my mom and dad, they were mostly gentle with me. I was the one who kept the family together for the most part, being asked to step in to solve some of the larger arguments. Even I couldn't fix things and so I left permanently when I was around 22. Both had become alcoholics and dad clearly had alzheimers... probably aggravated by the booze. When I left, I was symbolically blind and emotionally injured in almost every way that I can think of. My education was spotty and I was unable to make a living wage given my depression and anxiety disorder. Disability, food stamps, etc. followed. I finally hit bottom when I was around 23. Today, I wouldn't know if my parents or any member of my childhood "family" were alive or dead.
Sorry... this has turned into a longish story when I didn't mean for it to be, and my childhood wasn't all bad. I'll write about the good parts soon, as they're easier and more fun to write about. The good parts are why I'm here today.  What saved me the most was my love for so many things in this life, the fact that I'm reasonably intelligent and have a good deal of intellectual curiosity, and the new "family" that I have today. I think of my two best friends as my brothers. My wife and I have a relationship that's every bit as loving and interesting as I thought a relationship could be. Years of therapy helped me. Buddhism and meditation helped me. If it's not too forward of me to say, online "families" such as this one have helped a great deal as well. I'm looking forward to tomorrow.
If your family isn't everything that you hoped it could be and more, don't give up. |
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 4:42 am |
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Roach
SBR Belfry Bat
Joined: 20 Jan 2002
Posts: 3233
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quote:
Originally posted by Bilbo
@Suicidal Cockroach - You've talked about being depressed. I'm no expert, [1]but you admitted your family has a lot of issues. [2] Don't put the blame and the pressure on yourself for their problems. You can't deal with them. Just deal with your own as best you can, [3]and get support from friends (since you feel you can't rely on your family) when you have a problem.
1. That's an understatement! I haven't even mentioned my mother, her own mother and brother won't talk to her anymore. And she won't talk to her best friend of 50 years because her friend was honest when asked what she thought of my mother's new husband.
2. I'm just starting to realize that.
3. Unfortunately I don't really have that kind of friends, I've never talked about really personal stuff with anyone I can see face to face, hence why I'm here, well there was one time but that was a special occasion, and I think she lives up in Maryland now.
quote:
Originally posted by Bilbo
But definitely try to set limits as to the demands made upon you. If someone tells you something idiotic (like your sister telling you you're unfit to babysit and then complaining you don't do it), tell them (nicely!) that they're an idiot, point out the contradiction, and try to find out what they really mean.
With my father I can do that, with my sister, well how do I put this, how about... THE HORROR, THE HORROR!
quote:
Originally posted by mDrop
I think a family that does not argue is seriously dysfunctional. You have to be able to discuss things and share opinions, even when they don't match and can cause disagreement or arguing.
I honestly don't think I've ever been in an argument where the point was to express feelings, opinion yes, but never feelings.
quote:
Originally posted by mDrop
@Suicidal Cockroach, [1] whoa. I feel your pain, man... Arguments can be resolved and it's not about the duration, [2]it's about the attitude of the arguers. Apologies, thats a whole different thing.
1. Thanks.
2. I guess that's why our arguments never seem to end and are never resolved, both parties are always out to win. With my father I can usually manage to win because he, unlike my mother, gets tired after an hour or so. So after about an hour and a half he usually stops talking. My sister however tends to get violent when arguing, so I try to keep them short with her. Actually I almost always keep my mouth shut with her, which is why I'm having so many problems with her now; I decided to stop taking her constant flow of insults and disrespect. Unfortunately I still live with my father, and now that we moved back to Tx he keeps inviting her over every weekend.
*This has nothing to do with the topic, but I think it's kind of funny so... Growing up my father use to always tell me to respect women. Since I've been living with him these last three years I haven't seen him date one woman without cheating on her. He met a new woman a couple weeks back at a business convention in Vegas, a few days later when we were at my sister's place he told us that he is sure he is going to eventually marry her, then an hour later asked if one weekend in the near future I could stay at my sis's place so he could invite his ex into town for some play. How that for respecting women? *
quote:
Originally posted by txiabxyooj
but, the unique thing about a family is that at the end of the day they are still your family. if you think about it your family is the only group of people that are always your family. friends come & go. but, your family is always part of your life--for good or for bad.
I don't fully agree. It's true to some extent, but I think a family is not so much blood as who you accept as your family. Of course that's coming from someone who's only sibling is adopted. Sometimes family members come and go as well.
quote:
Originally posted by Mattias Kreku
My sister was a drug addict when she was younger but she turned herself around and she graduated med school last year (!). She is now a doctor
Good for her! The greatest people I've ever known are recovered addicts.
quote:
Originally posted by Mattias Kreku
[1](she also moved as far away from our parents as is possible in my country and she keeps sending my father mean letters blaming him for lots of things, making him cry). My mom lives in a small, dying village and she just lost her job and she's yoyo-ing between being extremely happy because she's free and extremely worried because she thinks she's too old to get another job. ...
My grandmom calles me once a month and cries because my sister doesn't call her. My grandfather is an alcoholic, which he has been for the last 50 years.
[2]Yet I consider us to be a happy family. I can always talk to my parents about anything and everything.
1. That';s bad
2. That's good
*What insightful responses, right?*
quote:
Originally posted by Northchild
On Christmas Eve when I was 16, my best friend killed himself.
That's terrible. I lost friends to drugs, but I never lost one to suicide. In my group of friends I was always the one people were worried might do that. I lost a grandfather to suicide, but I was only about eight at the time so I don't really remember him.
@Northchild Until I posted this I thought most families were more like ours. Most of my friends have some pretty good messed up family stories as well. Now I guess I'm not so sure.
That's to bad about the alcoholism in your family. It seems no matter how hard we try we always pick up at least some of our parents bad habits. I don't think my father is an alcoholic, but there is some amount of alcohol abuse. (I'm not really sure where the line is drawn between drinking to much and being an alcoholic is) I've been drinking a little to much myself, though I haven't had more than two or three beers in almost a week and a half. Before that I stole a couple bottles of Jose Cuervo (tequila) from my father and went on a three day binge, the day after I couldn't even get out of bed. And unfortunately I wore my contacts the whole time, and got really dehydrated, which left bloody marks on my eyes (they went away after a week of wearing my old glasses). Though that inspired a pretty good stanza of free style poetry, which I may put in at the end, just in case no one wants to read this exceedingly long post they can just check that part out. Right now I feel that I'm at the point were it may be better to just leave, unfortunately the amount of money in my bank account is roughly the same as the amount I owe my father. To quote you 'My education was spotty and I was unable to make a living wage given my depression and anxiety disorder.' I'm in pretty much the same situation.
Ok, I guess I'm done now, here's that stanza I just mentioned.
What does a man do when even his eyes are stained,
and no amount of forgotten tears can wash them clean?
How can he live when he truly knows himself,
but he doesn't want to understand?
How can he go on when he knows his own destiny,
but he has lost all hope of succeeding?
How can he think of happiness,
when his own inner voice is his worst enemy? |
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 2:49 pm |
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MoonDragon
High Emperor
Joined: 25 May 2002
Posts: 1254
Location: Waterloo, Canada |
I have only one small advice for all of you. No matter the differences. No matter the stupidity. No matter the bs.
Make sure that every once in a while you just hug them.
_________________
(@) |
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 4:48 pm |
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TheLonePaladin
Mighty Warrior
Joined: 27 Feb 2002
Posts: 1808
Location: San Francisco, CA |
good advice 
_________________
=Follower of Righteousness=
"Though the gates that stand between the mortal world and the immortal Realm of Chaos are now closed to me, still I would rather die having glimpsed eternity than never to have stirred the cold furrow of mortal life.
I embrace death without regret as I embraced life without fear." |
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 9:43 pm |
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Val
Risen From Ashes
Joined: 18 Feb 2002
Posts: 14724
Location: Utah, USA |
Just make sure the shock doesn't give your sister a heart attack or you might be blamed for that. j/k
I'm sorry to hear you've got it so rough. 
I guess I'm lucky that I've been blessed with a semi-functional family. Now if only we could house-train my father.... 
_________________
Freeeeeeedom! Thank heavens it's summer!
What do I have to show for my hard work? A piece of paper! Wee!
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Wed Jul 10, 2002 11:45 pm |
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TheLonePaladin
Mighty Warrior
Joined: 27 Feb 2002
Posts: 1808
Location: San Francisco, CA |
"be careful when you get in the car, we've got an apple pie back there somewhere."
"uh-oh"
"grandpa did you sit on the pie?"
"....i sure hope so...."
_________________
=Follower of Righteousness=
"Though the gates that stand between the mortal world and the immortal Realm of Chaos are now closed to me, still I would rather die having glimpsed eternity than never to have stirred the cold furrow of mortal life.
I embrace death without regret as I embraced life without fear." |
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Thu Jul 11, 2002 3:19 am |
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Potentated Knight of Ni
Protector of the Realm
Joined: 20 Apr 2002
Posts: 259
Location: Somewhere lost in Canada (I Know Where I am Not) |
quote:
Originally posted by sauron38
I have great respect for Dad... partially due to the fact that I'm going to be in need of fast car in a couple years... 
a) Or you can have great respect for #3 and his dad
b) Get a used Geo 
c) we could have sold you my dad's car - it is very fast considering how most of the body has erroded and fallen off making it lighter  .
_________________
 We (me, myself, and I) are the the Knights who say "Nee"!=Member of The Nonflamers' Guild= |
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Thu Jul 11, 2002 4:22 am |
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Yog Sothoth
The All in One
Joined: 01 May 2002
Posts: 1086
Location: Between Space and Time |
quote:
Originally posted by TheLonePaladin
"be careful when you get in the car, we've got an apple pie back there somewhere."
"uh-oh"
"grandpa did you sit on the pie?"
"....i sure hope so...."
The Simpsons, right?
_________________
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Thu Jul 11, 2002 8:45 am |
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Roach
SBR Belfry Bat
Joined: 20 Jan 2002
Posts: 3233
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Simsons, simpsons, they're everywhere! Even war3 quoted them. The goggles they do nothing! |
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Thu Jul 11, 2002 12:15 pm |
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