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Bartacus
Il Buono
Joined: 24 May 2003
Posts: 4706
Location: Belgium Flemmish part |
| Urban myths or story jokes |
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>An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
>smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
>who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
>
>During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded
>United flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of
>inconvenienced travelers.
>
>Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
>ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
>has to be FIRST CLASS."
>
>The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
>I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
>something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
>the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
>
>Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
>microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
>bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate
>WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,
>please come to Gate 17."
>
>With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
>at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."
>
>Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
>to stand in line for that too."
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off
>white South African lady has found herself sitting next to a Black man.
>She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
>
>"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant. "Can't you
>see?" she said, " You've sat me next to a kaffir. I can't possibly sit
>next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
>
>"Please calm down, Madam," the stewardess replied. "The flight is very
>full today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if
>we have any seats available in club or first class."
>
>The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged Black man beside her (not
>to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the
>stewardess returns with the good news, which she delivers to the lady,
>who cannot help but look at the people around her with a smug and
>self-satisfied grin:
>
>"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to
>the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have
>one seat in first class." Before the lady has a chance to answer, the
>stewardess continues . . . "It is most extraordinary to make this kind
>of upgrade, however, and I have had to get special permission from the
>captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was
>outrageous that someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious
>person."
>
>Having said that, the stewardess turned to the Black man sitting next to
>the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things, sir, I have
>your seat ready for you . . ." At which point, apparently the
>surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the Black
>man walked up to the front of the plane.
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Shared with us by a USAir pilot, this tale sounded too good to be true
>and is, according to airline officials who describe it as another urban
>myth. (A West Coast version has it as a United flight.) Seems a USAir
>employee with the last name of Gay was flying on a stand-by company
>pass. Mr. Gay found a man in his seat and sat elsewhere. Since the plane
>turned out to be overbooked, a ticket agent approached the man in Mr.
>Gay's assigned seat and asked "Are you Gay?" When the bewildered man
>nodded that he was gay, the agent said, "Well, get your things, you'll
>have to get off.
>
>The real Mr. Gay overheard and quickly interrupted, "I'm Gay." The agent
>told him he'd have to leave the plane at which another passenger,
>observing this whole scene, announced defiantly, "I'm gay, too. Heck,
>you can't throw us all off."
>
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>I once was on a plane where I was served by an obviously homosexual male
>flight attendant. At one point, he bounced over to where I was sitting
>and announced, "The Captain has asked me to announce that he will be
>landing the big scary plane shortly, so if you could just put up your
>trays - that would be great."
>
>I did as he had instructed, but the woman sitting next to me did not. A
>few moments later, our flight attendant came back and said to her,
>"Ma'am, perhaps you couldn't hear me over the big scary engine, but I
>asked you to please put up your tray so that the captain can land the
>plane."
>
>She still wouldn't comply. Now the attendant was getting rather angry
>and asked her again to put up the tray. She then calmly turned to him
>and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no
>one."
>
>Our flight attendant replied, "Oh yeah? Well in MY country, I'm called a
>queen, and I outrank you, bitch! So put the tray up!"
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Sun Feb 22, 2004 9:45 pm |
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Ozymandias
Leader of the Senate
Joined: 26 Apr 2003
Posts: 319
Location: Otherland |
 Those were quite funny. What do you think about this urban legend:
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
_________________
"There is no way around it. Correct is correct. I am correct, therefore I win."
Roqua
Disclaimer: I can not be held responsible for anything whatsoever as a result of you reading this post. |
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Mon Feb 23, 2004 12:07 am |
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Winter_Bloom
Eager Tradesman
Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Posts: 25
Location: That's a good question |
I always liked the lighthouse joke, but that could be due to me being a Canadian. 
Darn, I can't remember any stories, other than a disgusting one involving a bottle of pop and a mouse... 
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I am here... I think. |
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Mon Feb 23, 2004 3:46 am |
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corwin
On the Razorblade of Life
Joined: 10 Jun 2002
Posts: 8376
Location: Australia |
Seen the lighthouse one before as well. Just goes to prove how polite Canadians really are!!
_________________
If God said it, then that settles it!
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Mon Feb 23, 2004 7:36 am |
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Toaster
Bread Alert
Joined: 27 Jan 2003
Posts: 5475
Location: Sweden |
I've seen the lighthouse joke before too, and the ones Bart posted was really amusing too. 
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Tabbrowser Extensions
DictionarySearch |
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Mon Feb 23, 2004 4:41 pm |
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Mercenary
Helpful Friend
Joined: 25 Nov 2002
Posts: 2874
Location: Chromanin |
Good jokes Bartacus. Thinking this might be true.
I've heard the lighthouse thing before too. (Joke Plague)
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Tue Feb 24, 2004 7:26 pm |
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balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Alien Dwarf
Joined: 26 Dec 2003
Posts: 705
Location: Greece/Athens or *BrOtHeRhOoD* |
Urban Legent:
I guy picked up a whooker for a night and the next day wakes up in a bath filled with ice and near to him a phone with a note.The note was saying:"We take out you liver.When you'll wake up and read this you will have a few hours
to call for help or die...."
_________________
 I come from space.From outer space! |
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Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:35 pm |
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Bartacus
Il Buono
Joined: 24 May 2003
Posts: 4706
Location: Belgium Flemmish part |
Heard the ligthouse one too already, but it's still a good one.
@Balcony: A cruel one. Also belongs here offcourse!
Btw, are you trying to immitate Pikkon? (copple of errors in spelling)
_________________
Moderator and Council Magician of the RPGDot Shadows
member of the Sports Fans Forum
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Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:41 pm |
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balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Alien Dwarf
Joined: 26 Dec 2003
Posts: 705
Location: Greece/Athens or *BrOtHeRhOoD* |
quote:
Originally posted by Bartacus
(copple of errors in spelling)
Nope I am just from Greece!
_________________
I come from space.From outer space! |
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Tue Feb 24, 2004 9:51 pm |
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Lord_Brownie
High Emperor
Joined: 16 Feb 2003
Posts: 575
Location: Unfashionable arm of the spiral galaxy |
I haven't heard the lighthouse one before: its a riot!
LB |
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Wed Feb 25, 2004 3:13 am |
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Secret Agent Lawanda
The last thing you see...
Joined: 23 Oct 2003
Posts: 1041
Location: World of Darkness (LA) |
Those airline stories were great! I have a friend who was a stewardess for a few years and she's got quite a few stories like that.
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Moderator of The Anime and Manga Fan Club |
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Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:06 pm |
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balconygolf_ThE_bRiDe
Alien Dwarf
Joined: 26 Dec 2003
Posts: 705
Location: Greece/Athens or *BrOtHeRhOoD* |
>The old lady that died in her apartment and her cat ate her face.
>Crocodiles in the sewers.
>Two guys wanted to kill themselves but they were afraid of paining by using the traditional methods of suicide.So they decided to eat untill they explode...
....well I dont remember the end.
_________________
I come from space.From outer space! |
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Sat Feb 28, 2004 10:37 pm |
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jmurdock
Old Fogey
Joined: 11 Nov 2003
Posts: 1285
Location: the heart of acadiana they like to call it |
These are supposed to be true.
> > After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet", which
> > conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
> > during the flight that need repair or correction.
> >
> > The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in
> > writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
> >
> > The pilot reviews the "gripe sheets" before the next flight.
> >
> > Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
> > humor.
> >
> > Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems
> > as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
> > engineers.
> >
> > By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> > accident.
> >
> > {P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action
> > taken by the engin
eers.}
> >
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on backorder.
> >
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> > descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for.
> >
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode.
> >
> > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > P: Target radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >
> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > S: Cat installed.
> >
> > P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> > pounding with a hammer.
> > S: Took hammer away from midget
_________________
Just watch out you don't stress yourself out.
REMEMBER... Many saves, many slots!!! |
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Sun Feb 29, 2004 12:35 am |
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~NOBODY~
The One And Only
Joined: 15 Sep 2003
Posts: 1824
Location: Vivec, Jobasha's Rare Books |
quote:
Originally posted by jmurdock
> > P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> > S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
> >
> > P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> > S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> >
> > P: Something loose in cockpit.
> > S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> >
> > P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> > S: Live bugs on backorder.
> >
> > P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> > descent.
> > S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> >
> > P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> > S: Evidence removed.
> >
> > P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> > S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> >
> > P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> > S: That's what they're there for.
> >
> > P: IFF inoperative.
> > S: IFF always inoperative in OFF
mode.
> >
> > P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> > S: Suspect you're right.
> >
> > P: Number 3 engine missing.
> > S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> >
> > P: Aircraft handles funny.
> > S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> >
> > P: Target radar hums.
> > S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> >
> > P: Mouse in cockpit.
> > S: Cat installed.
> >
> > P: Noise from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
> > pounding with a hammer.
> > S: Took hammer away from midget
I didn't laugh so loud in some time! |
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Sun Feb 29, 2004 12:56 am |
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Roqua
High Emperor
Joined: 02 Sep 2003
Posts: 897
Location: rump |
That is pretty funny, I peed myself.
_________________
Vegitarian is the Indian word for lousey hunter. |
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Sun Feb 29, 2004 5:21 am |
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