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xSamhainx
Paws of Doom
Joined: 11 Sep 2002
Posts: 2192
Location: San Diego |
| Van Helsing : Sexy Golden Age Blasphemy |
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I didnt really see too much about this movie, but the scant previews I saw looked at least fun. Which it sorta was, I took my lil Sis to go see it and we had a pretty good time, often laughing at some of the more ridiculous parts and one-liners. I didnt go into this expecting all that much more than I got, which was a totally improbable half-CGi movie that rips your face off at regular intervals. It serves that purpose well enough, it is enjoyable in a roller-coaster horror-themed adventure film sort of way. Bams and one-liners, lots of one-liners to keep the kids laughing. They have no place in horror except for in movies like Evil Dead with one-liners actually making fun of one-liners. This is directed by the same guy who did "The Mummy", and as sure as I am that Boris Karloff was spinning in his grave over those fiascos, Bela Lugosi is probably doing backflips in his tomb over this one. Dracula just isnt scary or ominous in this film, he's sorta pathetic. BAM-WHOOSH_one-liner-WHOOSH-BAMM is how this movie seems after the first hour. It is also very loud to accomodate that formula, and filled with so many sudden BAM's that by the 3rd or 4th one, you just know in the next few mins there is going to be another scary head popping up, roaring, teeth baring. Dont get me wrong, I love CGi, but the lineage of the source material somewhat demands that there be suitable storyline between the transformations and smashes thru windows. There was potential, but alas, the formula simply does not provide it.
The beginning of the movie was pretty well done, basically the end of Frankenstein done in B/W. Wait a minute, Frankenstein? Yep, you see, Count Dracula was I guess actually the one who financed Doc Frankenshteen. He even has Igor under his thumb, just in case things get out of hand. And along with Drac's lovely bevy of supermodel Vamp Brides, his castle also has a level of alien-looking pods, the unborn undead spawn of the Count and his Brides. You see, the Count needs the lifeforce of Frankenstein's monster thrown on a rack, and a really big burst of lightning, to shock the little guys to life. Like an instant electrical incubation, and Franks creature has the mojo. Into the middle of all this is suddenly thrown a werewolf. He is the servant I guess of the Count. As the moon grows fuller, to quote Silver Bullet "he gets wolf-ier." It is during the really really full moon that supposedly that the count has even greater control over him, and he wont botch trying to simply kill some humans.
All this vampire-egg-incubation-revolution simply cannot be allowed to just happen, of course. There is an old wing of what seems like the Vatican, that handles these types of things behind the scenes while we are all immersed in video games, dirt bikes, and election 2004. Their secret weapon is Van Helsing, of few words and long coat, reminds me at first of Vampire Hunter D more than anything. Armed with a bunch of unrealistic silver 19th-century weapons, he heads off to where else, Transylvania, to assist the Eastern Command in "Operation De-Fang". There in a backwoods straggly peasant village of straggly backwoods peasants, a gorgeous and well manicured Kate Beckinsdale lands on him repeatedly in awkward sexual positions while fighting baddies. With perfect hair and makeup no matter the battle, she is a hard one to sell to, as Van is accepted only after offing one of the Brides with his cool full-auto crossbow. They fight the gorgeous Brides, who unfortunately have no nipples in "Harpy Mode", thus preserving the PG-13 rating. I love female vampires, but these are a bit over-the-top for me. If they would just kill the enemy instead of babbling on until someone comes crashing thru the door/window/whatever to knock them away, they could get something done. Totally incompetent monsters. The Brides are darkly beautiful tho, and their first personal encounter with a dazed, trapped Kate is cool. They do fine in battle otherwise, but when they are back at home base conversing with the Count (who just wants to be a daddy!), they are just way over-dramatic. The Count is a regular Little Lord Faulteroy himself, and throws periodic tantrums that almost give you sympathy. This is not the Dracula I know and love, who the hell is this guy? Thus lies the other big problem, the changing of the monster lore entirely. Ok, youre going to try and weave the classic Hollywood creatures into one tale, fine, but leave at least the base lore of the monsters alone.
Yes, silver now supposedly kills Vampires, and really old Vampires like Drac, have to be killed by a werewolf I guess. It seems that Vampires perhaps can be mass-produced by a sort of spawning biology, or maybe they are just half-vampire demons or something. Drac isnt so much an undead Vampire, as he is a demon. Werewolves thankfully still basically create other werewolves from a bite, and there only seems to be one wolf at a time on the scene. Any Lycanthrope in Transylvania is automatically Drac's right-hand wolf. One of course, inevitably is Kate's long-lost brother thought gone in the far-below-river after killing off another Lupine. By the way, if you fall victim to Lycanthropy, Ive got good news and bad news. The good news is, you can be cured by a special serum. Bad news is that Drac has it, and only one shot of it. Prolly part of the deal with Doc Frankenstein, had him whip up a batch of it before his big windmill scene. Frank's creature is a totally melodramatic "me want friend" creature, that despite his apparent mental defecit, understands completely the way to save the world from the Undead Armageddon awaiting when the creatures hatch. Tho sewn together out of several people, (and thought to be burned beyond recognition from the outset), he reappears later in the film, and before long is swinging from mile-long ropes tarzan-style to smash thru the window at just the right time when a hilariously-Transyvanian-accented (and finally mussed up) Kate is about to meet her maker. Where these ropes that they are swinging around on connect to is a mystery, and the chance of this rotting, patchwork oaf doing what he does makes you just laugh for the stupidity. Again, one of the last surviving anti-climaxed too-long-winded Brides screws up. How did they stay un-alive so long? Now normally, that would be a spoiler, but not in this film. Trust me, you see it coming a mile away.
This is all connected by Van and Kate jumping around, doing battle with the same sexy CGI monsters over and over again. It is enjoyable to see the leaping Van, scaling up the side of things once he sorta "gets the fever" if you know what I mean. There are 1,000 ft grappling hook grabs, penetrations, and swings. There are things said right in the beginning of the film that almost wreck part of it , like the "heres my invention that has the intensity of 100 doses of sunlight" or something to that effect. Hmm. Wonder what he's going to do with that? Normal mortals like Kate are thrown thru walls, windows, numerous times what have you, and get up, dazed but ok. Hair looks fine, prolly CGI hair and makeup. Ropes are grabbed out of thin air while in freefall in the dark rain, while catching thrown objects. I know it's unrealistic already, but there really should be some level of realism tying all of it together to make it at least believably unbelievable. Then lots of last minute, last-scene, mid-fight revelations attempt to explain this utterly sacreligious mess of a plot. My opinion is a great looking, sexy blasphemy of the golden age of horror. For the love of Bela, the Vampires appear to not even be undead!
The Good-
- sweet full-auto crossbow
- Kate Beckinsdale is hot. Tho the "bad girl" thing is starting to wear thin
- Opening b/w Frankenstein climax remake, done old-style. Lots of shadows and expressions, no blood.
- 2nd opening intro w/ Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde which I loved
- Tho overdone and PG-13, I cant help but like the sexy Vampire Brides.
- Nice architecture
- Creatures are generally very well-done CGI
- The werewolf is the "Crinos" type like in The Howling
- I liked the religious choral Omen-like inspired classical soundtrack
- great photography
- a tiny bit of good humor, but it's fleeting
The Bad-
-Completely rewrites the lore of golden age horror icons
-Totally implausible leaps, catches, grabs in the dark, even for this type of film
-I guess Dracula isnt really Undead after all. Yes, was murdered as a human a millenia prior, but is more a transformed demon than Vampire. Were the Brides hatched?
-Horror greats spinning in their graves over the new whiner monsters
-Van Helsing regrets his work disposing the creatures. Unfortunately, "brooding anti-hero who could" cannot be realistically portrayed when the monsters are unquestionably evil. Id have no prob putting a silver stake thru any of these creatures.
-Snappy one liners. I hate them
-No nipples on the "harpy mode" Brides
-Totally incompetent, moron monsters who cant get anything done
-Tho supposedly the center of the plot is bringing the mass-hatch of Drac's spawn, there is suddenly a castle full of vampires mid-movie out of nowhere. What? Where did they all come from? And they are all wiped out in a nano-second ='.'=
EDIted- For numerous spelling probs and unnecessary roughness.
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“Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that's on its mind and can't make itself understood, and so can't rest easy in its grave, and has to go about that way every night grieving.”-Mark Twain
Last edited by xSamhainx on Sun May 09, 2004 6:13 pm; edited 3 times in total |
Sun May 09, 2004 7:36 am |
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Neo_Genesis
The Assassin
Joined: 10 Aug 2003
Posts: 3050
Location: The Netherlands |
since i'm going away in a few minutes, i didn't took the time to read everything. I will when I come back, and then i'll edit my post.
but I read the last few lines (the Good things and Bad things). and I must say, you got some pretty good points there, although I still need to see the movie.
quote:
Originally posted by xSamhainx
-No nipples on the "harpy mode" Brides
 you watch those things? harpies don't have nipples, from all i know of. although i can't be sure, because this is the first "real" movie which has vampire harpies included.
I hope I will be back soon, because I can't wait ro read your whole story
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Always wondering how it would be... |
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Sun May 09, 2004 10:23 am |
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Jaz
Late Night Spook
Joined: 20 Jan 2002
Posts: 9708
Location: RPGDot |
Thank you very much, Sam. Now I know why I'm not going to see this movie.
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Jaz |
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Tue May 11, 2004 3:33 pm |
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Drakton
Captain of the Guard
Joined: 14 Oct 2001
Posts: 195
Location: Monterrey, México |
Wow xSamhainx... Nice post and review.
I'm looking forward for your reviews of The Day After Tomorrow, The Punisher and Alien vs. Predator. 
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"You may win a thousand fights, but you can only lose one" (Zaknafein to Drizzt - The Dark Elf Trilogy.) |
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Tue May 11, 2004 4:54 pm |
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xSamhainx
Paws of Doom
Joined: 11 Sep 2002
Posts: 2192
Location: San Diego |
@DRakton- I really like that quote in your sig!
Glad you liked the review! I enjoy writing reviews on movies and games quite a bit. I know Im a bit long-winded at times. The problem is I type so quickly and have alot to say at the moment, that I look down after a while and realize ive got like a thousand words!! Anyway, I hope you got the basic message clearly enough.
It isnt a 2 thumbs down movie, quite frankly it is a gorgeous film. So was the newer "Mummy" series of films as well, but the character acting and story just werent very good at all in my opinion. Id give it one thumb up just for the photography and special effects.
I forgot to mention the day/night dynamic that is also changed in this film. I realize that monster lore from place to place varies as far as like vampires and lycanthropes are concerned, but things like vampires being able to be out in daylight as long as the sun obscured by clouds or whatever just ruins it altogether for me. Part of the mystique of the Vampire is the nocturnal creature it is, to start stripping away core pieces of the mythology just changes it altogether. Theres a werewolf running around in daylight too towards the beginning, yet midway thru the movie when the clouds obscure the moon at night he shifts human. Call me an old stick in the mud, but the Dracula quote "listen to them, the children of the night. What sweet music they make.." says it all. They are the things that go bump in the night. Thats where they belong, period end of story. That's when you stalk the things anyway, during the day, when they're at their weakest. Here they are running around terrorizing people 24/7
quote:
Originally posted by xSamhainx
-No nipples on the "harpy mode" Brides
The reason this bothers me, is because it just makes the thing look fake. A boob is a boob, theres no reason to have it if the essential detail is not there. Cover the things up entirely then. I notice things like that really easily, and Im a guy who thinks boobs are a good thing, so Id much rather have a little areola with my mammary.
I didnt like this Dracula as I mentioned, he's that Roxburgh fellow that always seems to play the "arrogant little jerk" part. I just dont really like his acting much in general. This film did not change my opinion, he aint no Dracula that's for sure.
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“Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that's on its mind and can't make itself understood, and so can't rest easy in its grave, and has to go about that way every night grieving.”-Mark Twain |
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Wed May 12, 2004 2:31 am |
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piln
High Emperor
Joined: 22 May 2003
Posts: 906
Location: Leeds, UK |
Sounds like another LXG? Doesn't look like my cup of tea, I doubt I'll... oh wait...
quote:
Originally posted by xSamhainx
- Kate Beckinsdale is hot.
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Wed May 12, 2004 2:20 pm |
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EverythingXen
Arch-villain
Joined: 01 Feb 2002
Posts: 4342
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I really enjoyed this movie. It was much better than I thought it would be.
They did take liberties with the monster types in the movie ... they brought them up to the 'modern' vision of those creatures, as they did to the Mummy.
Like Angel, Buffy, Blade, and Underworld a vampire is not vulnerable to day... he is vulnerable to sunlight. Overcast days, being inside, etc negates this. THis serves to make vampires much more dangerous than in Bram Stoker's version.
A Werewolf only requires the moon to transform for his first month's transformation, where it is involuntary. After that they are always in 'wolfman' form, and slave to Dracula's will. This is inferred in the movie (the comment on the shedding, etc) but never said directly. I suspect it was cut because sometimes editors make some pretty unfortunate decisions.
The Werewolf needed to kill Dracula thing is carried over from two other Universal Studios golden age movies... the ones who came up with the werewolves hate vampire thing in the first place.
I found the actor who played Dracula in turn acceptable and over the top... but over the top gets mediated down when put into contrast with the movie. Like the Mummy, Dracula was SUPPOSED to be over the top... and so it's not bad acting but doing what he's told.
The stunts were totally over the top and the amount of physical abuse Kate's *human* character endured was ridiculous... but they were well choreographed and the special effects were good (it's hard to have bad special effects these days, though).
As for the harpys not having nipples? Neither did Dracula. Look at their skin in that form... it's leather. Why would leather have nipples? How could it?
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Estuans interius, Ira vehementi
"The old world dies and with it the old ways. We will rebuild it as it should be, MUST be... Immortal!"
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=Worshipper of the Written Word= |
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Wed May 12, 2004 2:41 pm |
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Secret Agent Lawanda
The last thing you see...
Joined: 23 Oct 2003
Posts: 1041
Location: World of Darkness (LA) |
I really liked the werewolf design in this movie. Much better done than the ones in Underworld. I really like how they did the transitions from human to werewolf. That was just cool. Overall, it wasn't too shabby.
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Moderator of The Anime and Manga Fan Club |
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Sun May 23, 2004 8:52 pm |
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Hexy
High Emperor
Joined: 28 Jun 2002
Posts: 621
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I mostly agree with xSamhainx's initial review.
This movie was a blasphemy to the golden classics, the greatest travesty was comitted in Frankenstein's monster.
The movie had a brief "peak" with mr. Hyde, which was a bit amusing, then it went downhill fast, with teleporting un-mist/transformable vampires, and annoying one liners. Igor was the only thing to desperately try to hold up the beams of the veritable crumbeling shackle this movie was. |
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Tue May 25, 2004 2:31 pm |
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xSamhainx
Paws of Doom
Joined: 11 Sep 2002
Posts: 2192
Location: San Diego |
@ Xen - Yes, there are different versions of vampire lore, with varying degrees of adherance to what we know as the "traditional" rules of being strictly nocturnal creatures who live on blood, hate the crucifix, and die with a wooden stake thru the heart or direct prolonged exposure to sunlight or to some degree, fire. But this is a particular character we are referring to here, Dracula, not just any vampire. I guess if it was Jackula, and his sidekick mad professor Doc Crankenstein, I wouldnt be so bent out of shape about it.
@Lawanda - Way better werewolves than Underworld, they were kinda cheesy looking in that flick ='.'=
_________________
“Then away out in the woods I heard that kind of a sound that a ghost makes when it wants to tell about something that's on its mind and can't make itself understood, and so can't rest easy in its grave, and has to go about that way every night grieving.”-Mark Twain |
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Fri May 28, 2004 3:59 am |
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Conan The Librarian
City Guard
Joined: 27 May 2004
Posts: 144
Location: Merry Olde England |
| Politically correct beasts (breasts) |
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xSamhainx excellant review. Luckily I saw the making of and your review finalised the decision of I don't think so.
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The optimist sees the doughnut.
But the pessimist sees the hole. |
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Fri May 28, 2004 1:39 pm |
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EverythingXen
Arch-villain
Joined: 01 Feb 2002
Posts: 4342
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I still don't see it any different than the blasphemy of a nearly all powerful magic using fully fleshed Mummy.
And I thought Frankenstein's Monster was one of the better features of the movie. I love the first scene of the movie when he's holding his father's body and demanding why of the torch-wielding mob. I hated the brain-dead version from the golden age: Much preferred the remake a few years ago.
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Estuans interius, Ira vehementi
"The old world dies and with it the old ways. We will rebuild it as it should be, MUST be... Immortal!"
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=Worshipper of the Written Word= |
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Fri May 28, 2004 1:44 pm |
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cfmdobbie
High Emperor
Joined: 01 Jul 2002
Posts: 1859
Location: London, England |
As the ign review says, "Vampires aren't the only things that suck in this movie" 
Okay, what about the underlying plot? I know you've covered the basics of what goes on, but what about the why?
I've just been to see Van Helsing, and while it was a tolerable film, I really can't shake the sense that it just wasn't very good. The complete inability of the writers to come up with a reasonable backstory is the real kicker. They allude to it in various places, but never make it explicit - probably because it's all so implausable that no audience will buy it. I think I've pieced it together:
(serious spoilers ahead - don't read unless you've already seen the film or don't intend to see it!)
Spoiler:
Okay, Dracula is described as the Son of Satan. We know he was actually the son of Old Dude With Eyepatch, so the Satan reference isn't literal. We know that proto-Dracula was murdered by someone described as the "Left Hand of God", made a pact with the Devil, and returned as Undead Dracula. Eyepatch Dude promised the Vatican that he would deal with him, but couldn't bear to kill his own son, so banished him instead to the other realm. Somehow the Devil gives Dracula the power to "fly", and that apparently allows him to pass through the icy barrier. Well, whatever.
The whole thing is a little confused as we're not entirely sure in what order the pact and the murder take place, nor what exactly the other realm is, nor how "flying" has anything to do with getting through the mirror, nor what proto-Dracula did to deserve murder, nor how long ago he escaped...
But anyway, who is Van Helsing? Hands up anyone who thought for an awful moment there that he would turn out to be Dracula's son? Yep, me too! Fortunately, that's not the way things went. Unfortunately, they turned out to be much, much worse...
So Van Helsing's oldest memory is Roman soldiers in Small Number A.D. We know that Van Helsing murdered proto-Dracula, eventually triggering the transformation to Dracula. We know that Van Helsing has been taken in by the Vatican Secret Police and is basically given free reign to do as he pleases. There's a serious Good vs Evil vibe permeating the movie, only slightly marred by a decidedly non-pacifist, non-religious good guy. Right.
Anyone else pieced it together? I'll give you a moment to come to your own conclusions, then you can read my understanding of this mess, below:
Spoiler:
Okay, so after the Son of God (Jesus) was crucified in A.D. 33 or so, he ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the Right Hand of the Father. God needed another agent on earth, but someone very different from before - Peace to All Men is all very well and good, but vampires, harpies, demons and goodness only knows what else don't take much notice of it. So he sent his left-hand man instead - Van Helsing.
After a while (1462 A.D.) the Devil gets annoyed by the fact that God's got a pet and he hasn't, so a pact is made and Dracula is born. Dracula is given powers by the Devil in much the same way that Van Helsing was given powers by God. The whole film sets up for the Mother of all Battles, with Good fighting Evil in the form of Van Helsing fighting Dracula. The two pets clash, and good triumphs! Hurrah!
So Van Helsing is either the other (non-Jesus) Son of God, or someone very special - having been given such a high place in Heaven.
Um, yeah. No really, why didn't they make all this explicit? It's so plausible, and the audience wouldn't have recoiled in disbelief at all!
Interesting how Eyepatch Dude's sense of ethics don't allow him to kill his own son, but he's perfectly happy to leave the problem to his decendents. Should have gone into politics...
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Thu Jun 03, 2004 2:19 am |
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soul phoenix
Village Dweller
Joined: 12 Jun 2004
Posts: 17
Location: australia |
i didnt think it was that good like it was good but not as good as i expected so thats probly why i didnt like it i expected to be a lot better but the warewolfs looked pretty cool but the drakula in his vampire form looked realy bad but his wives looked good in there human form. |
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Sun Jun 13, 2004 7:29 am |
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