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This is part of a collection of RPG-related rants, raves and nicely-clad questions by the Badger, a forum member from the UK. Many of the forum folks like them a lot so I finally took a heart and put them up here.
You can read more from the Badger's desk on MorrowindDot and RPGDot main!
=Jaz=

I have to confess something to you all, in the hopes that saying out loud will help the weight of guilt I am feeling. What's the name of that little chap who follows you around and keeps bothering you at the most awkward moments? Is it Mud? Well, I got really fed up of him interrupting me when I was trying to have a conversation with someone else. Not to mention accusing me of wanting sex with animals!
So I decided to persuade him that his future lie with someone else. But everytime I hit him, he got away by running into the castle! Grrrrr.

So, (Twirls moustache) I led him up to the abandoned tower and when he stepped inside with me I shut the door. "Now there is nowhere to run you annoying little shit!" etc etc and I beat the crap out of him.
(And robbed him (Bwa Ha Haaaaa)!

Then thinking that he wouldn't be able to get out, I shut him in there and went to leave. Well, I got accross that little bridge and I started to feel bad about it. So I decided to at least open the door so he could get back to the old camp. But I got half way back accross, the door opens and he appears in the doorway telling me I'm a nutter and he doesn't want anything to do with me. Well that was fine with me, and I felt a bit better about what I'd done.

But then... Oh No! He steps out the door and falls off the cliff to the rocky path 40 feet below! Well I look over the edge of the bridge in Horror thinking he's had it. But his prone body is still moving slightly, so I thought, "Well he's probably ok." But then 3 Raptors jumped on him!!! and I'm thinking "Oh...well he's probably not ok now though."

Thing is.... I can't help but feel that somehow this might all be my fault.
What do you all think?

[Insert letters of consolation by different forum-goers here - Ed.]

Thanks for the support all.... but things are going from bad to worse.

Spurred on by the demise of the infuriating Mud, I have taken to prowling the huts of the Old Camp after midnight, and beating and robbing the Diggers who live there. Actually... one of them had a sword! Which is fantastic because now I can stop fighting those big birds with a rusty spoon. (Also it's nice to know that Emu's career did not come to an end when Rod Hull fell off that roof.)

Anyway.... point is that until now I did not understand the power of the Dark Side. But now I have tasted of the forbidden fruit. It's too late for me now... but you? Some of you anyway... Run!

Run while you still can.

It's a Dress!

Here's the thing.

I fancied joining the Old Camp, because I felt I have something in common with it. WHICH IS TO SAY I AM OLD.... NOT CAMP!!!! (Never, poke the Badger)

Anyway... I set about performing tasks for the high, the mighty and the obviously insane. Weighty and important quests like...

Shadow: Times are dark inded here in the Old Camp.
Me: Do you need a good man?
Shadow: Indeed we do, but not just any man will do. We need a man of integrity, a man of Honour. We need a man whose courage knows no bounds and who laughs at danger. A man spits in the eye of adversity and spanks the bottom of Death! Are you such a man?
Me: I am the man who you seek. I pledge my Pointy Stick of Hurting to your cause. How may I serve the Old Camp. Shadow: Very well then my fine upstanding fellow. Take this pint of milk to Thorus would you? (Gaghghghgh!)

Oh, sorry guys. I lost my way a little there and forgot to ask my question. One of the Shadows asked me to get a formula for a drug of some kind from the Sect Camp. I set about gaining the trust of the Guru type in charge... but I got a bit carried away and now I am a novice and I have a dress!!!!

I feel like I have been grabbed by the Hari Krishna's (oooooh nasty!). Is it too late to change camps? I've not noticed any difference in the way the Old Camp types treat me. But now any sect people I meet, Scream "AWAKEN"! at me. Now this is a bit of a give away as far as camp allegience goes and I just say...
"yes..shhhhhh very nice and you awaken too" and wander off as if I don't know them.

Anyway... can I change? Or failing that can anyone suggest a good store to get a handbag and shoes to go with this outfit?

Badger.

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