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Ozymandias
Leader of the Senate
Joined: 26 Apr 2003
Posts: 319
Location: Otherland |
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
5. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
6. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
7. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
8. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
9. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
10. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
11. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
12. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
14. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
17. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
18. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
19. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
20. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
21. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
22. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
23. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the main Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
24. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
25. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
26. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement this Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
27. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
28. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
29. Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High."
_________________
"There is no way around it. Correct is correct. I am correct, therefore I win."
Roqua
Disclaimer: I can not be held responsible for anything whatsoever as a result of you reading this post. |
Sun Mar 28, 2004 7:39 pm |
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MageofFire
Griller of Molerats
Joined: 03 Oct 2003
Posts: 1594
Location: Monastery of Innos |
Those are top-notch entertainment! 
_________________
OMG! WTF?! MONKEYS!!!!
=Member of numerous usergroups=
=Active in none of them=
Mediocreties, I absolve you! |
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Sun Mar 28, 2004 10:36 pm |
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Cm
Sentinel of Light
Joined: 26 Jan 2003
Posts: 5209
Location: Missouri USA |
Thanks, I needed that!
_________________
=Member of the Nonflamers Guild=
=Member of Worshippers of the Written Word=
A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.
Mark Twain
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Mon Mar 29, 2004 2:17 am |
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corwin
On the Razorblade of Life
Joined: 10 Jun 2002
Posts: 8376
Location: Australia |
I've got most of these and a few others on my PC already, but they are always good for a laugh. Thanks for posting them here.
_________________
If God said it, then that settles it!
I don't use Smileys, I use Emoticons!!
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Mon Mar 29, 2004 8:04 am |
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